"Once Upon a Time You Loved Yourself"

While I understand feeling cynical about Valentine’s Day if not in a romantic relationship (or in an unhappy marriage), Valentine’s Day for me is a time to offer love to those I love. Cookies are made and decorated, cards written and sent, and something fun planned for myself. Yes, I include myself in those I treasure on Valentine’s Day for without loving myself, I am compromised in the love I offer others, confusing love with my needs.

Learning to love yourself is not being selfish, but a smart way to care for yourself and those you love (vs needing from, demanding of, bargaining with, etc). Being in the business of helping people become happier, I wish I had a nickel for every time a person got mad at their loved one for not loving them, when the real issue at hand is a confusion between love and their needs. Loving yourself will keep you out of the trap of confusing love with needing someone to satisfy your need for security, appreciation, or a regular dinner companion. You can’t give someone what you don't have for yourself. 

If you are not feeling love for yourself, how can you get that loving feeling?

 You once trusted what you loved, wanted, knew and you can do so again. One of the unexpected treasures of raising children was delighting in their clarity and self-confidence in what they loved. Only when entering the double-digit ages did this self-confidence begin to respond to peer pressures and cultural messaging. There is nothing like a 9 or 10 year old whose self-confidence knows no bounds and anything is possible. Your 10 year old is still within you, happy to offer her self-confidence and trust in the world for living your adult life. 

Find a picture of yourself no older than 10 years old and smiling. Put this picture somewhere you can easily see your younger self everyday and once a day, send love and a smile to the confident young woman you still are. Do you remember what you loved at 10 years old? Your favorite color and candy? Even if you cannot remember the particulars, I have no doubt you were not wishy washy on what you loved (and hated ;-). Second guessing yourself was not an issue for you then and while you may not trust yourself and your likes and dislike now, you can have your younger self help you remember how you really DO know what you like and want.

Trust yourself and you will know your answers. From birth you’ve been taught that others’ opinions and directives were more important than your own. And while mostly well-intended, there comes a time when the strengths and competencies of others needs to defer to your believing in your own strengths and knowing. Otherwise you will find yourself living a life disconnected from your own inner guidance which knows without a doubt how to realize love and joy in your life.

Love yourself and everything else falls into place. Lucille Ball wasn’t only a pioneer in television and comedy, she knew a thing or two about getting what she wanted. “You really do have to love yourself to realize your dreams and desires in your life” and I couldn't agree with her more. Until you can love yourself, the love you offer others is conditional and often a trade disguised. “I love you and if you love me you will….take care of me, make me feel secure, do as I want”... you get the picture. Love is a mystical marathon and does not play by the rules of control and logic of your mind. To love another requires you love and honor yourself first to avoid having your needs be cloaked and called love. Many a marriage or family has come apart when self-love has been lacking, for without self-love, you will seek what you need from another and call it love.

This Valentine’s Day, consider how well you love yourself and how this is related to how satisfied and happy you are with the people you love. If you aren't feeling loved by yourself, check in with your 10 year old who never doubted herself and was unabashed in what she loved. I leave you with this thought and I invite you to celebrate yourself and your life on this day we put aside to honor love  ~

“To know what you love instead of continuing to nicely say “ok” to what others tell you, is to keep your soul and spirit alive. How do you know what you love? You put your ear down next to your soul, ask it to speak with you, and you listen very hard, especially when you are feeling lost or afraid”.

"What You Care For Needs Your Care"

What a magnificent time we live in, when who and what we care about calls on us to show up, and speak up for caring for it. I was unable to attend the Women’s March due to recent foot surgery, but I did not accept I could not somehow show my support. And so I funded 2 single mothers who would otherwise been unable to afford to travel to DC for the Women’s March there. I’m also the proud mom of a daughter and a son who marched in the NYC March, having grown up to the tune of “what you care about needs you to care for it with your actions”. My daughter sent me pictures (above) as she marched along, taking me with her in spirit. My son, not one to protest lightly- ”I’m not a protesting former hippy like you Mom”- felt strongly that too much is at risk for him to not show up. (Here’s an interesting article which speaks to how he feels as a man who loves the many women in his life: http://www.vox.com/identities/2017/1/22/14347710/men-womens-march)

The leadership model women are unfurling is one of standing up for how the least of us, the most vulnerable of us, is cared for. Leadership which honors how ALL life is sacred, even that life for which we do not see a purpose, have use for, or kinship with. Women’s leadership seeks BOTH to understand “the other” AND draws lines in the sand of what will not happen on her watch. Going to war for peace is violence we condone until we seek to understand what scares us vs trying to negate, control, or kill what scares us. Women’s leadership cannot simply change who is empowered but how power is wielded and who it serves.

However you are showing up for women’s rights, for gender rights, for immigration rights, we need to “+1” what we are doing. I’ve contributed to Planned Parenthood since I was 16 years old, having gone to the local office for birth control. Their required exam before dispensing birth control found several lumps in a breast which turned out to be benign after a biopsy was done. Even at the young age of 16 I was impressed at their standard of care for a 16 year old and have donated to them ever since. Now I need to do more. So once a week I’m calling my congressional representatives (which includes Elizabeth Warren-woohoo!) to let them know I am opposed to any attempt to defund Planned Parenthood. Period.

This time of globalization is not simply an economic model affecting so many in challenging economic ways. Globalization is also the dynamic by which we are becoming much more aware of others- of those who look, think, choose differently than we do. Honoring all life as sacred is the consciousness globalization requires of us, a consciousness requiring we learn how to form relationship with “the other”. And lest you go too quickly to thinking it’s only men who need to learn to do so, consider the challenge for constructive dialogue and partnership between women pro-life and pro-choice. 'An issue which polarized the organizing of last Saturday's Women's Marches, showing us we all have work to do in seeking to understand "the other".

I leave you with these thoughts: 

1. Keep vigilance that your thoughts and actions align with your deepest values and dreams. Show up more for tending to what you care about; it's time for you to act, not simply talk and think.
2. Find your news in places different than mainstream television venues. Your computer screen offers you a plethora of less-reactive, thoughtful, and diverse perspectives from sources both national and international. And receive what you read on social media with a grain of salt, for all is not as it appears on your computer or phone screen, not only the telly.
3. Become pro-active with what you care about. Become inspired by your anger at injustice, discrimination, and abuse, but not reacting in kind by “going to war for peace” against others who anger you.
4. Embrace relationship as the form of power you exercise more than believing control will keep you safe-it won’t. Only through seeking to understand each other-and yourself-can we successfully engage the world's changes in this time of globalization and instant news.
5. Your power, your impact lies in how you respond to what triggers you, what provokes you. Do you “return fire” or do you change the game by how you respond? To do so requires becoming more neutral- which does not mean not feeling passionately- in how you respond to what provokes you. Triggering another’s defensiveness (and thus aggression) will only energize conflict, reduce trust, and challenge finding a common ground for working things out.
6. Become friends with paradox as real life more than your mind’s straight line of logic. Paradox is both caring deeply about what you do and seeking to understand those you disagree with. Your mind may tell you this is a fool's game, but your soul and spirit know it's the only game that will succeed in these times of change and challenge.

It is a radical time to be alive and your presence in these challenging times is neither random nor insignificant. Your presence in the lives you cross paths with-both pleasantly and not so much-has impact and importance for you both. Your actions and choices have impact on the health and well-being of the ecology of your personal life and your communities. You were born for these times, and although your mind may feel confused or fearful, your spirit and soul do not. Yes, you will need to learn some history and consider changing some of your beliefs and habits. And you won't always be comfortable becoming more engaged for what you care about. Yet as I shared in my latest Blogtalkradio show, sometimes what makes you uncomfortable now is where in time you will see the footprints of your soul.

When you live as though you truly matter and your presence in the lives of others matters, your experience of life will change. We've been taught to under-value the power of the choices we make and the actions we take every day for how we create our life and the world. Getting to know not only your thoughts, but the vast capacity of your soul and spirit is now required. And, what challenges you is always within your capacity, if you but use not only your mind but your spirit, soul, and the heart of yourself as well!

"The Holiness of Your Challenges"

My life--especially what provokes or challenges me-have served to teach me we are blessed with a sacred journey we call being human. And while looking around at the state of the world may appear to mock this, I’ve also grown skeptical of conclusions based solely on my thoughts and what our culture tells me is so. I’ve come to understand wherever darkness holds court in your life is where to shine even brighter the light of your soul and the radiance of your heart. As Mother Teresa understood, saving the world and creating world peace begins in your own life and home and only then will it become so in the world.

It is holy work to be entrusted by women and men with intimacy of what keeps them up at night and doubting themselves. Becoming vulnerable with a stranger requires not only courage, but a faith-however faint and elusive-in people and the world as essentially good. I have the privilege of helping people trade their challenge in trusting themselves for trusting answers already within them. Add learning to translate the ever-present guidance and wisdom of their soul, and their courage to risk changing results in feeling better about themselves and their life.

When I speak with a person about what they are struggling with, I hear them also offer their answers, although they do not hear themselves do so. This is not due to a lack of intelligence or desire on their part. It is the result of being taught for generations to assign authority to outside of yourself, when the truth is, you are the expert of yourself and your life. And, as the ancient Greeks (and Barbara Streisand) understood, people need people in life. Alone we cannot see our angels and our devils which sit on our shoulders, awaiting our choice of which to embrace. Only a person on the other side of us can help us claim our angels and banish our devils.

Your capacity to live your desires and your passions will not come through talking or thinking about doing so. It comes through engaging your challenges for bringing forth just how much braver, stronger, and wiser you truly are than you now believe. What provokes you in life-an important relationship, a health challenge, the incoming POTUS- offers itself as a catalyst for engaging your soul and spirit to create solutions to where you now feel despair and discouraged. How wise Shakespeare was in cautioning us in being too quick to judge good or bad, right or wrong, when what challenges us (bad) offers us surprising grace (good) when we engage it.

The world needs you more than ever to be bold and brave in living as the unique and essential soul and life you are, to share the sacred (vs scared) presence and radiance you are. Never doubt that your spirit and soul can prevail in what you mind tells you is doom and gloom. You may not understand how this can be so, but choose to have faith in yourself and watch miracles unfold which serve your life and this time you were born for. I leave you with words which help me remember this when I get discouraged....

"We have entered a new Middle Ages, a time of violence, of extreme class disparity, of religious fanaticism, of plagues and famines.....a time when it is terribly important and often dangerous to preserve values and knowledge, to stand up for visions that most of this crazed world cannot comprehend or tolerate. The value of having your own inner map of the world as it is-not how it is broadcast-is this: it allows you to know that your life, your task, is larger than yourself. If you choose to be a decent person, you are entrusted with passing on something of value through a dark and crazy time. Preserving your integrity in your way, by your acts and your very presence, to hold what is precious for those who will build again when this chaos exhausts itself. People who assume the burden of their own integrity are free, and as Nelson Mandela showed us, it's force cannot be quelled even when jailed. The future lives in our individual, often lonely, and certainly unprofitable acts of integrity or it doesn't live at all."  ~ Michael Ventura