"Don't Let the Holidays Get Hijacked by Your Past"

This time of year can be tough. Lots of being pitched to for spending money as love, to feel only "happy happy happy!", and a body that simply wants more sleep due to less sunlight. Add spending time with family you chose to move away from, lots of alcohol and sugar, and your holidays become less about peace and goodwill and a lot more like a marathon. Especially when the people you moved away from can still make you crazy!!

Family is the best and family is the hardest

Getting together with the people you grew up with can be like time-traveling to the past. You are no longer a child and the people you work with or are friends with consider you an adult. Yet getting together with the family you grew up with can give you a case of bad deja'vu and provoke some not so fun emotions in you. Heh! Wasn't what you didn't like about your family supposed to go away when you left home?

Behave like a grownup even if others are not

Leaving home is not the same as making peace with those you grew up with. While distance and a place of your own may allow the occasional visit with family to be pleasant enough, the double whammy of alcohol and your longing for a Norman Rockwell holiday can make holidays with family tricky. All it takes is a parent behaving as you hate them behaving and before you can say "world peace", you're screaming at them for being a jerk. 'Kinda like a child having a doozy of a temper tantrum (gulp).

Tend to what's unresolved with your family....just not while eating Thanksgiving dinner

Many adults haven't resolved their childhood, limiting their ability to be a grownup with their family. You can choose to avoid your parents or spend way too much energy being angry with a sibling. You wish your parents would change how they treat you, but have you changed how you are with them? The difference between being an adult and being a grownup is one word describes your body and the other word describes your level of personal responsibility and maturity. Guess which one is which?

Commit to being a grownup with your childhood

Will this make your parents see the light and treat you as you want them to treat you? Or prevent a sibling from railing about God intending marriage as only between men and women? I wouldn't hold my breath, but here's a little secret about making peace with your past. When you release your past (including the people in it) from having the power to hold your happiness hostage, you release yourself from being bound to your past as well.

Lift your spirits and create a bit of peace of mind and heart

Peace of mind and heart comes from choosing to extend love to your family, even when they give you SO many reasons not to. Choosing to love when reason tells you not to, creates the peace we all seek, where reason does not. The person you hurt the most when you withhold love from others is yourself. Peace doesn't come from not disagreeing with others. Peace stands a chance when grownups make agreements for keeping the peace. Realize the vast power within you called love, and then be the grownup making things better with your family and in your world.

"Are Ghosts Haunting Your Relationships?"

In my last article “The Calculus of Relationship”  I talked about how simply pointing fingers at who is wrong in a relationship not going so well, does not make things better. In this follow-up article, I talk about how what may be wreaking havoc in a relationship may not even be present. Yup, could be a ghost haunting your relationship!.

So what do I mean by ghosts haunting a relationship? Simply this-a lot of the battles you find yourself in with people close to you-- your partner, your children, your parents or even yourself--can have little to do with the current situation and a lot to do with your past. Past humiliations, past rejections, past traumas all lend themselves to becoming ghosts haunting your life when they have not been resolved. I call them ghosts, for while the event was in the past, it's wielding a LOT of power in your present life.

For example, your parents believe/d control was next to God and a good child was a controlled child. Emotions? To be controlled with your parents deciding which ones you were permitted and which ones were punished. Fast forward to the conversation you are now having with your husband who keeps asking if something is wrong. You answer “nothing”....so why do you feel like crying-or throwing the glass you are using at his head!? Ahh…the ghost of emotions not permitted or punished is haunting your relationship with your hubby.

Or you hear yourself berating your daughter for an A- (vs an A) on her report card and become aghast as you realize you’ve become possessed by the ghost of your father who found “imperfections” unacceptable. Yikes! Or you make the opposite choice of allowing your teen to diss you, patting yourself on the back for not being a controlling parent. Notice the ghost cackling in the corner?

So what can you do when ghosts are haunting your relationships?

• Call the Ghost Busters! No really, get some help. Ghosts can be hard for you to see as they feel and look familiar. What is familiar we are often reluctant to change for something unfamiliar, even if we are unhappy with the familiar.
• Realize your ghosts can be friendly ghosts (remember Caspar?) trying to make life better for you. They are causing mischief to get your attention and where they are causing mischief is where they want you to pay attention.
• There are common ghosts. The ghost of anger haunts most women; anger at their power and purpose as women having been dismissed and denigrated for generations. This ghost appears in women’s relationships with men as belittling men or women withholding from men, their power to inspire and uplift.
• Ghosts can be tricky. It is not uncommon for someone I am working with to describe the detested behavior of a parent and surprise! find that same behavior alive and well in themself! Argh. Ghosts remind us there is a difference between not liking a behavior and not having it haunt our behavior as well.

People are busy and time is precious. We are taught to ignore what is bothering us and to simply exercise more control or reach for our drug of choice. But “shoulda, woulda, coulda” are no match for the ghosts haunting our relationships or our life. As the Ghost Busters knew, people who know about ghosts are who you need to call when your relationships are being haunted by ghosts from your past.

Want some help exorcising ghosts in a relationship or life? I offer a free 60 minute consultation by phone for you to explore with me how to stop ghosts from the past from messing with your present and future. To schedule your free 60 minute session CLICK HERE .

"The Calculus of Relationships"

Relationships can make your life feel like heaven and a relationship can make your life hell. You cannot avoid relationships and how happy you are in your relationships, impacts your family life, your career, even your health. Relationship skills are not considered important learning for life and mostly left up to default learning from your family growing up. The result? Yeah, you’re living it. 

In college, I found calculus to be very confusing until I realized the correct answer would only be obtained when I solved more than one factor. Once I learned calculus was not a linear process, solving calculus equations become a challenge I knew I could solve. Solving relationships problems is a lot like calculus-there’s always more than one dynamic to solving the problem. 

Here’s an example of what I mean by the calculus of relationships. You know those fights you have with people where what you are fighting about isn’t really what you are fighting about? Yeah, on the face of it, you’re arguing about whose turn it is to take the dog out. When really what you’re arguing about is how you’re mad at him for going out with his friends instead of you last weekend and he’s mad at you for paying more attention to your friends than him. Grrr.

So what can you do when you're in relationship trouble? 

1. Control does not equal strength nor power when it comes to relationships. A common mistake in relationships, this one will get you in trouble every time. Control in relationship presumes power over another person and no relationship will last nor be happy without mutual respect and sharing of power. Control takes many forms-from controlling the information you share with your spouse to controlling what your child is allowed to make choices about. Relationships need trust, respect, and courage to flourish or they become prisons the person being controlled will make a break from.

2. Change your channel from complaining to creating what you want. Complaining may make you feel good, even powerful at the time, and can become a bad habit you indulge in. Complaining has the additional bonus of making it seem as though you are doing something, but in truth, you are keeping safe on the sidelines instead of taking action for making things better. Instead of complaining about how the romance has gone out of your relationship, make it your personal mission to make date night romantic again. It takes just as much effort to be miserable as it does to be happy!

3. Speak up! The power of small is in voicing what matters to you. By this time in your life,  you’ve most likely been told to speak up, that others cannot read your mind. Yet I bet there are still times you hold back from sharing with your best friend or your spouse when they’ve hurt your feelings, or speaking up about where you’d rather go to dinner. You tell yourself it’s not a big deal, stay silent and then find yourself in a funk or being a bit bitchy. Yeah. When you don’t speak up for yourself or what matters to you, your relationship with those near and dear to you will suffer as will your self-respect. That voice inside of you telling you to stay quiet is not your friend!

4. While it’s true it takes 2 to make a relationship heaven or hell, playing chicken with who “should” make things better, who should change, is a dangerous game.  Relationships may initiate through chemistry, but what keeps a relationship happy and healthy is maintaining trust, respect, and empathy with each other. If you find yourself distrusting, disrespecting, or not caring for the other person, action is needed for tending the relationship before lasting damage is done. All healthy long-term relationships-be they personal or professional-go through cycles of change and renewal. To expect a person or relationship not to change is to not only invite unhappiness, it invites the death of the relationship. 

Look for my next article on relationship ghosts. If you find yourself in an unhappy relationship, don’t despair nor cast aspirations on yourself or the other person. Not unlike realizing your body is unhappy, choosing to take action for tending and mending yourself is what makes you better, not blaming others nor berating yourself for being sick. 

"Are You Going to War for Peace?"

Don’t worry, this is not a story of the often sad and scary news in our world today. This IS a story about how choosing not to go to war for peace will grace your life with the integrity and the peace you are seeking in life and the world.

10 years ago, my marriage of 25 years ended and I found myself alone with 3 children, the mortgage, and marital assets made unavailable through creative accounting by people considered friends-ouch! Person after person challenged me to go to war (court) for getting back what was mine, misconstruing my reluctance to do so as fear.

So what was my hesitation if not from fear?

I knew what my former husband was capable of (I’m a fast learner), but fear was not what was holding me back from going to court with my former husband. It was my clarity about the price my children would pay if I were to focus my time, energy, and resources on battling in court with someone who wanted war. My children needed their mother to focus her time, energy, and resources on their needs as children, including peace in their home and in their family. My children needed me to choose war or peace.

I was faced with the choice to go to war for making peace with my finances-knowing my children would pay dearly for this choice-or making peace with life having a different plan for me. My wounded pride and sense of betrayal were romancing me onto war and yet silent on the true cost of doing so. Sound familiar? How many times have you found yourself at war for soothing pride injured or feelings hurt by someone you love? And only later, realized the cost to you or the relationship?

This was my hardest challenge so far in life and many were the days I did not know if I was capable of making a victory from what felt overwhelming and devastating. Yet embracing my faith and demanding grace be made tangible in my life had previously transformed my chronic illnesses into good health, my infertility into 3 children, and being without a home into a lovely abode. So was having 3 children to support, a mortgage, and no job the challenge given by life to break me or divine faith in my integrity and faith?

There is a price for every choice you make; the choices which cost you are the choices out of alignment with your values. Your mind may convince you “it’s ok, it’s just this time, it’s not a big deal”, but your soul knows your integrity just got dinged and your self-respect pays a price. It’s how we find ourselves in a world which considers going to war an acceptable means for creating peace, with civilians and children-the regrettable, but acceptable-cost of peace.

Where in your life or relationships are you living at odds with what you truly want, compromising what is true in your heart and soul?

Where in your life or relationships are you going to war and telling yourself it's for peace? Do you offer yourself reasons practical or personal for doing so, selling yourself or life short? Take it from me, it’s the little choices you make each day which build the muscles and courage of your integrity.....the integrity which gives you the strength and faith for when life challenges you to choose war or peace.

Love More Care Less

There is a deceptively simple suggestion I offer to people working on themselves or their relationships -”love more, care less”. At first, most are surprised, for being told to care less is not what they are expecting from me. Yet, as I unfold more of what I am inviting them into, their bodies relax as they begin to feel the invitation into more love and less care-taking.

We’ve been taught good people care … good children (take) care of a parent’s happiness, good people (take) care of other people’s feelings (even if it means lying to do so), good people sacrifice themselves for (taking) care of others (often creating resentment towards the person they are caring for), etc. Yet did you know the root meaning of the word “care” is “to lament”? Often, caring carries the shadow of lamenting what is wrong with a person, a situation, whereas love offers compassion, patience, tolerance.

To love more care less brings love’s clarity and courage for true (vs taking) care of another-to receive another as a divine being vs holding them as somehow lacking. Loving more and caring less became my mantra when my elderly and scared parents needed my care. Not as their child still reacting to them emotionally, but as a strong woman offering compassion and tolerance. Loving them more and caring less about what I thought best gave me a new compass to navigate caring for people who needed my best, not my history with them nor my reactions to their fear and anger at their growing old.

So how do you love more and care less in your life?

•   As with all wisdom you embrace in life, apply to yourself vs telling others to do so. Offering yourself more love-more kindness, more compassion, more patience, more support, more acceptance - benefits you as well as serves to model and invite others to “want some of what you ordered”. Care less whether you are doing things right, the best, perfectly, are enough, and watch the benefits spill over into your relationships as you judge yourself (and others) less and enjoy your life and the people in them, much more.

• Let go of your expectations. Expectations are where you hold yourself, others, and life to desires which often have less to do with reality and more to do with your own inner critic and secret desires. Expectations in a relationship-be it with yourself or another-lead to nowhere happy, wreaking havoc with being present to when and where life offers you opportunities for love, connection, and joy. Too many relationships begun in love end up as power struggles destroying the love.

• Realize the lens through which you view the world is not the same lens others are viewing the world through. The story of 3 blind people and an elephant illustrates well this wisdom.3 people blind were asked to describe an elephant and each did so from their experience of holding a different part of the elephant- trunk, leg, and ear. No two descriptions of the elephant were the same and yet all 3 were describing the same elephant. Consider how often you care that you are “right” when the truth is we are all right from what we have experienced. Learn to become more curious and less interested in being right.

• Loving more offers more space for curiosity and discovery and less need to care and defend who and what is right. The world of once far-away countries is fast becoming a world of neighbors appearing quite different from us. When we care more about who and what is right and wrong, differences assume greater power. And when we offer love’s gifts of inquiry and curiosity more, we realize more how much our neighbors and have in common with us, be it the desires for our children, for health and happiness in life, having the basic needs met for our family, and a common birthright as human to a life with dignity and respect.

• Love is kissing cousins with respect, appreciation, honor and (taking) care is kissing cousins with control, judgement, and assumptions. One of the exercises I often engage in with my clients is clarifying what are truly their values for crafting a life with integrity to their deepest values. I have yet to have a client choose the values of more control, more judgement, more fear and plenty of clients excited about the values of more respect, more honor, more gratitude in their life. Love is the parent of values timeless in their power to inspire, to uplift, to joyfully live a life on purpose.

Loving more and caring less is not a call to not care and only love. It is a call to what holds power and insight in a world whose dynamics and truths are quickly changing from “power over” to “relationship with”. Love’s true nature is less the Hallmark version of sentiment and nostalgia and more akin to Mother Nature-vast, beautiful, powerful, caring beyond reason, and willing to die so life may continue. More and more I realize how critical it is for each one of us to become aware of what we are willing to die for, of what you commit your precious life to. We were born for the times we live in and fear and despair are calling for us to transform them into your devotion to loving…. more.

"Claim Your True Story (Not the Lies You Tell About Yourself!)"

Last week I took my daughter to visit one of her college choices and as fate would have it, a college I had attended for a year. As I listened to the Director of Admissions talk, my mind wandered into past decisions and feelings I was realizing were still present. I had chosen this college for its program of environmental science, yet after a miserable freshman year, I transferred to another college in the same town, happy to keep friends and housing the same. I enjoyed my time as an architectural student and felt no regrets for becoming an architect instead of an environmental scientist. Yet I would be lying if I said I have not wondered over the years if I wimpled out by transferring to a different college instead of staying where I was and making it work. My parents had taught me to vanquish any obstacle in my way-not to go around them, let alone walk away from them. But as life has helped me to learn, a strength applied indiscriminately can be less of an asset and more of a liability.  I listened to the admissions director talk about how attending an academically challenging college “made what was most valuable to a person (pointing to her head) strong”. The 3rd time she pointed to her head as the most valuable part of a person,MY head had the most wonderful epiphany!  My decision to change colleges was a wise and courageous choice to honor what I needed, not a weakness of character on my part nor wimping out on a challenge.  So why had I been judging myself as lacking all these years? Because I had not consciously claimed changing colleges as better for me, I had defaulted to my family’s belief I had failed a challenge. The story I’ve told myself for years was that I lacked what it took to succeed, when the truth was the college lacked what I needed. I didn’t realize at the time leaving home didn’t mean I had left behind beliefs not my own. I was young and did not understand the difference between leaving something and letting it go. Looking now at what often has seemed the mystery of my life, I can see the beautiful designs of my soul’s guidance towards my destiny. Bending to one's soul is not always easy and at times lonely and solitary of family and even friends. When life challenges you for learning to stay true to yourself, it takes both grace and grit to do so and at times you may question your sanity. Yet trusting your soul’s wisdom will bring you deeper understanding of yourself and your purpose in life that your intellect alone could ever bring you. I leave you with a few suggestions, ones well worth spending some time alone with or in a supported process of being witnessed.  Reconsider the story you tell about yourself, with a heart willing to receive your mistakes, your failures as footprints where your soul showed up to redirect you towards a destiny.  Honor where you stood to your needs, your preferences, your way of being instead of telling yourself how you were wrong, weak, or defective somehow.  Your true story is one where you are much less perfect, for your "flaws" make you much more interesting!  Look at yourself through the eyes of your soul and hold as precious where you believed you lacked, choosing to treasure yourself instead.

What Frogs are Boiling in Your Life?

"The Boiling Frog Syndrome"(BFS) is an anecdote about how a frog placed in boiling water will jump out immediately but when a frog is placed in cold water which is then slowly heated, froggie will not perceive the danger and will boil to death. Although science disproves the truth of BFS, it’s cautionary tale of the cost of ignoring the small and subtle messages you feel of something being off, is truth.

Women’s history of being told to “behave and make nice” for being safe in life and love means women often dismiss and deny what they are feeling and noticing. Especially when paying attention to what they are sensing will "make waves" with people they love or are dependent on. Yet ignoring what you are sensing does not keep you truly safe in either life and love. Ignoring what you are sensing only keeps you from taking action in time to attend to what your wisdom is telling you is wrong.

More than one woman has come to me angry with herself for not listening to her feeling of something being"off", for time had proven what she was sensing as correct. A women will often ignore her innate "early alert system" for not "rocking the boat' in a relationship or where she fears reprisal for speaking up. Yet ignoring messages from the powerful sensitivities you possess as a woman can land you in troubles you could have prevented or mitigated.

 So, just how do you balance speaking up and standing up for what you know with your desire for safety and acceptance in love and life?

 1. Commit to learning about and loving yourself as a priority in your life. Learning about yourself is not optional for being happy and fulfilled in life. When you know what makes you happy, what you love, what's important to you in life and relationships, you can care for your needs consciously. Expecting those you love to be your primary source of approval and support only places others as a parent with you as the child. And while we all need a little help from our friends, learn to love and support yourself as a job you are the best at and your privilege.

2. Update your relationship with anger. Anger is the element of fire offering its power to protect you as well as transform what challenges you. Instead of smothering (ignoring/fearing) your anger or letting it become a wildfire, develop a conscious relationship with your anger. Anger is not wrong nor bad; only when you do not tend to anger's presence does anger cause you problems. Denying your anger for "not making waves" does not keep you safe in relationships nor in life. Learn to receive and decipher your anger, for within your anger is wisdom seeking to protect you and transform what IS dangerous to you.

3. Learn the difference between your sensory system and your intellect (aka your body never lies).  The sensory capacity of a woman is intimate to her biology as a woman and offers women sensory information for her protection and for deep wisdom. ( No, I am not saying women are better than men, rather different and viva la difference!). Ignoring your perceptions and receptions of information is a cultural norm, not your innate capacity, and gets you in trouble. Choose to honor your sensory capacity, take action informed by your sensory information and perceptions,  and watch your happiness blossom.

4. Get help outside of your family and friends for making the changes you want in yourself or your life. Family and friends at their best are your cheerleaders in life.... and family and friends can resist you changing. Just as cheerleaders do not serve as coaches for their team, don’t expect your cheerleaders in life to be your coaches in life. Your decision to take up your challenges as your opportunity for personal growth offers you being inspired by doing so.

The new normal in our world is change change change. One big change is relying less on outside of you for direction and support, and trusting in yourself more. Change can be really uncomfortable and challenging and going it alone is no longer a sign of strength. We all need help dealing with the angel and the devil on our shoulders. To live your life with heart, you need the strength of your soul….a soul clear and strengthened through transforming your challenges in life. 

"Being Authentic is Your Authority"

Happy Springtime!

A few years ago, a client reeling from choices made by her husband, was not happy with me after I suggested she spend some time learning about herself for healing her marriage. Her outraged “It’s 2012 not the 1950’s!! ” made me wince, for she was confusing today’s opportunities FOR women with understanding herself AS a woman. Misunderstanding this difference was making it hard for her to care for herself, have a happy marriage, and messing with her peace of mind 

Now before you accuse me of going retro about women or being an advocate for Saran Wrap greetings, let me explain where I am coming from. When I was 1 of 5 women in a class of 80 architectural students, a few design professors were proud about grading my designs lower for using curves instead of right angles. And as an architect for Boston hospitals, my decision to include the “not as important” janitors and nurses on the design team landed me in very hot water with my boss and the hospital. (The usual design team was only the head surgeon, architect, and hospital administrator).

Claiming my authority as an architect required my being authentic in what I thought best as a designer and a woman. As I woman, I understood “not as important” from my experiences in a world where women still lack import and impact. Yet these experiences did not diminish my authority as an architect; quite the contrary. My own “not as important” experiences inspired me to exercise my authority as the architect for an even better design. My authority as an architect benefited from being authentic as a woman.

False authority labels your experiences and life as good or bad, right or wrong, and limits you in claiming your own authority and being authentic. Your experiences in life are intimate opportunities to learn what is true for you vs simply claiming yourself as a victor or a victim. Thankfully, my client took up learning to be authentic, claimed her authority for making the needed changes in their marriage, letting go of considering herself a victim. Her choices also inspired her husband to work on being authentic as well and their marriage has never been better.

So how do you become authentic in your authority?

1. Begin to trust what you know within you, what you feel, what inspires you, what repels you as important for you to honor in your choices and life. Even if what you know, feel, desire is different from those you give authority to, say is true, important, a priority, etc. You are the authority of what is true for you and many of the facts you were taught as truth, are being debunked by science, by time, and by people voicing what is true for them instead.

2. Put aside judgement of yourself being either a victor or a victim when things don’t go the way you want, expect, or are “supposed to”. Instead, ask yourself what you are feeling, telling yourself, and gently ask yourself if it really is true or simply your defense against being wrong. Be suspicious of voices within you which are not kind as being true in what they are saying about you. (And check out my blog on the perils of “woulda, coulda, shoulda").

3. When you feel or hear the “meanies” within your head, take the time to tell them to stop and offer yourself support and compassion in their place. Inner bullying is hurtful and “taking it” as what grownups do is simply cruel. Standing up for yourself-your feelings, your preferences, your experiences-is being authentic and creates authority with yourself and with others. Who doesn't need to offer themselves more kindness?

4. “There is no small thing” disputes the myth of how only what is big has power in life. The truth is, your life is created by the little choices you make over time, to be true (authentic) to yourself, to honor your authority in life.....or justifying why you abandon yourself. Honoring your small choices of integrity with what you are feeling, for what you desire, standing to what is true for you, builds trust and faith in yourself for handling life’s curve balls and creating a life full of love, joy, and delight.

Oh, and redemption for my choice to include the “not so important” janitors and nurses on the design teams came in the form of awards for both the design of the intensive care units as well as significantly lower rates of infection in the units. (Funny thing about including the janitors and nurses). Being authentic and living your authority, offers inspiration to others known and unknown and isn't that a comforting thought? You truly are essential to the world just as you are - warts and all.

Want some support for being authentic and living with integrity? 
I invite you to contact me for setting up a free consultation with me.

Choose Love

It is a hard sell some days to convince clients whose heart has been broken, betrayed, or bruised to choose love (again). While your heart will go to the mat for choosing to love again, your mind (and friends unhappy) will call you a fool for choosing love. And, choosing love will offer you riches and miracles for healing, inspiration, and joy in life your mind can only envy.

Choosing love faces stiff opposition from your pride, your fears, your need for control. To choose love requires vulnerability, humility, and uncertainty, qualities not so popular these days as powerful. Choosing love requires making peace with how life itself is inherently risky, with risk essential to creating satisfaction, happiness, and yes, love in your life.

Today choose to love yourself, love your life, even to love what keeps you up at night for honoring your beautiful gift for love. Choosing love brings you the peace, the wisdom, and the love you will measure yourself and your life by when what is temporary falls away. Your life as human is meant to be vast and only by choosing love can your vastness be truly realized. Choose love and choose your legacy.

"Being Kind to Yourself is Not Optional (for Happiness as a Grownup)"

This 3rd article is about how essential being kind (compassionate) to yourself is for happiness, health, and peace in a world gone a bit topsy turvy. Being kind to yourself is imperative for happiness and requires you become more comfortable with saying “no” and more clear in what you are saying “yes” to.  Compassion for yourself is not being “nice” to someone for putting them in debt to you for being nice back. Compassion applied to yourself is learning to honor what is true in your heart and then taking actions of integrity. And the current science on your heart offers updated learning on how important honoring your heart is for real time benefits in health, happiness, and yes, even success in life.  Sweet

Despite marketing and media claims to the contrary, there are no secret formulas, no 5-step programs, not even ancient mantras which will magically bestow your desires in life. What sense would it make to be given the powers of a god/dess and not have a use for them in life? Learning to trust yourself and taking inspired action over and over again, creates your life on purpose.  If you think about it, it’s kinda comforting knowing it’s up to YOU for creating in life what you want.  Groovy

There comes a time in life when success is measured not so much by your possessions, privileges, or positions as it is by peace in your heart. if you are not living with integrity to yourself, you will find yourself unhappy and lacking such peace. You have a unique legacy, purpose, and significance to live no amount of possessions will satisfy. Caring for only your physical needs is not unlike a marriage where only one person gets their needs met. Not a happy couple and lots and lots of compensating going on. Yucky

Instead of trying even harder to be happy through possessions, achievements, and your privileges as human, learn to receive discomfort, despair, discontent as divine nudging for living the mystery, the miracle of your life. Learning to live not possessed by your possessions gives you space to be curious and open to your heart's wisdom, for sharing with the world. You sell yourself short in the short life as human, when you neglect to care for the meeting place of your divinity and your humanity-your heart. Ahhh

Curious how to live with more integrity, with more heart in your life as a grownup? Simply email me and after filling out my short questionnaire, we'll spend some time talking by phone.  Fun

"Are You Being True to Yourself--or Justifying Why Not?"

In this second article in my series on becoming a grown-up, I'll be talking about 3 little words which reflect where you are not being true to yourself.  The presence of these 3 words in how you talk to yourself, about yourself, or about your life, are important clues to why you are not enjoying the power and privileges of being a grown up. The words? ”Coulda, woulda, shoulda”- 3 little words used when you are vacating your power, used when you are out of  integrity with yourself, and used when you have forgotten you are a god/dess walking the earth.

Women especially suffer from the culturally-reinforced vacating of power while men suffer from cultural norms which box them into false power. (Check out my earlier article on women’s contemporary power)  The presence of “woulda, coulda, shoulda”-in your beliefs, in how you talk to yourself and with others, in how you make your choices-offer useful information of where you are not being true to yourself. “Woulda, coulda, shoulda” undermine you, disempower you, and diss your nobility, your dignity, and your sovereignty. Not cool!

Try This Out

1. Begin to notice where you are saying “I woulda….,  I coulda…, I shoulda...” and notice the silent “but” when using these 3 words.  “I woulda spoken up, but......”, “I wish I coulda gone on vacation this year, but....”, “I know I shoulda been honest with her, but....”.  Notice how you feel as you hear yourself say “woulda, coulda, shoulda...but...” Are you feeling behind what you are saying?  Or do you feel yourself offering an excuse, blaming, or distancing yourself from what you saying, what you want...maybe even scared?  Ouch.

2. Now take these 3 words and choose to replace them consciously with words of chosen action. For example: “I am speaking up about this being wrong”, “I am excited and saving for my vacation this summer!”,  “I am going to be honest with sharing how I feel when we talk”.  Notice how “I am” replaces “but” and how differently it feels to proclaim “I am”?

3. Notice the difference in how you feel as you voice “I am” vs a “woulda, coulda, shoulda… but...”?  Can you feel how taking responsibility-"I am" feels more empowered than "I coulda, but…...?

When you use “coulda woulda shoulda” in talking about your choices in life, you are using words to justify not taking action for being true to yourself, to what you truly want in life. This does not mean you are a scoundrel (love this word), without hope, or a bad person. It does mean your history includes being shamed, wronged, or unsafe with telling the truth. You are not alone in this-and-being a grown up requires picking up your courage for claiming what is true for you in life. As I remind the courageous people I have the privilege to work with, along with the power to create your life (being a grown up) comes the responsibility for doing so.

Look for my 3rd article in the series on being a grown up. Our world is in a historical transition and living your presence, power, and purpose in the world has never been more important.  And your being a grown up will be in a manner different than how you were taught and how modeled before.

"Are You Living as Sacred or Scared?"

This is the first in a series of 3 articles on why becoming a grown up is cool. (I would say “groovy” but my 16 year old would roll her eyes and then tell me how old I am being). So what do I mean by "becoming a grown up"? Contrary to popular stereotypes, becoming a grown up offers you more power, joy, and way more love into your life than ever before. And whether it is taking responsibility for your happiness (vs blaming others for your lack of it) or claiming your authority for creating a life you love, becoming a grown up invites living your deepest truths and values, with integrity, everyday. Albert Einstein is quoted as saying “There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle”. Or as I say “are you choosing to live as sacred or scared”.  When we forget we are goddesses and gods walking this earth, we struggle in life and so does our world. The way out of your troubles and challenges is to take up the course corrections life brings your way,  as divine navigation for your life and for what you truly want. You and your life are sacred and when you forget this, you can get scared. When you get scared, it’s easy to forget you are vastly powerful, your choices are endless, and the infinite beauty, joy, and love you are. This in no way negates how you need others in the journey of life. As students of mythology know, even gods and goddesses need others at times. Learning to pivot from the mythology of something being wrong with you to the truth of life challenging you for updating your thinking, your beliefs, and what you were taught, is choosing to grow up. Birth as human comes with grace for going through the grit of life with gratitude.Understanding you need not justify yourself, but rather love, delight, and share yourself, can liberate you from false beliefs in right/wrong, good/bad ways for you to live, feel, or choose. And no, this is not a carte blanche for living without responsibility for your power, privilege, and purpose in life. Quite the opposite is true-the power granted to you as a human being is equal to your responsibility as a human being. Our age of connection and technology offers ease of access to ancient wisdom from around the world to all, no longer to only those of lineage and privilege. Technology makes possible connections with people, places, and possibilities around the world never before possible. And, this technology can serve for learning about the most advanced, magical, and powerful technology in the world-the vast world within you-when you remember to engage technology as a master, not it’s tool. For as never before, humanity needs your divinity and divinity is realized when lived in your daily humanity. In a nutshell, this is what becoming a grown up is all about. Stay tuned for the second article in this series on the importance of weeding out your “could ofs, should ofs, would ofs” and replacing them with discerning and deciphering divine wisdom offered you everyday in life. Making the choice to do creates the happiness, health, and purpose you were born to be living in abundance.