"Are You Being True to Yourself--or Justifying Why Not?"

In this second article in my series on becoming a grown-up, I'll be talking about 3 little words which reflect where you are not being true to yourself.  The presence of these 3 words in how you talk to yourself, about yourself, or about your life, are important clues to why you are not enjoying the power and privileges of being a grown up. The words? ”Coulda, woulda, shoulda”- 3 little words used when you are vacating your power, used when you are out of  integrity with yourself, and used when you have forgotten you are a god/dess walking the earth.

Women especially suffer from the culturally-reinforced vacating of power while men suffer from cultural norms which box them into false power. (Check out my earlier article on women’s contemporary power)  The presence of “woulda, coulda, shoulda”-in your beliefs, in how you talk to yourself and with others, in how you make your choices-offer useful information of where you are not being true to yourself. “Woulda, coulda, shoulda” undermine you, disempower you, and diss your nobility, your dignity, and your sovereignty. Not cool!

Try This Out

1. Begin to notice where you are saying “I woulda….,  I coulda…, I shoulda...” and notice the silent “but” when using these 3 words.  “I woulda spoken up, but......”, “I wish I coulda gone on vacation this year, but....”, “I know I shoulda been honest with her, but....”.  Notice how you feel as you hear yourself say “woulda, coulda, shoulda...but...” Are you feeling behind what you are saying?  Or do you feel yourself offering an excuse, blaming, or distancing yourself from what you saying, what you want...maybe even scared?  Ouch.

2. Now take these 3 words and choose to replace them consciously with words of chosen action. For example: “I am speaking up about this being wrong”, “I am excited and saving for my vacation this summer!”,  “I am going to be honest with sharing how I feel when we talk”.  Notice how “I am” replaces “but” and how differently it feels to proclaim “I am”?

3. Notice the difference in how you feel as you voice “I am” vs a “woulda, coulda, shoulda… but...”?  Can you feel how taking responsibility-"I am" feels more empowered than "I coulda, but…...?

When you use “coulda woulda shoulda” in talking about your choices in life, you are using words to justify not taking action for being true to yourself, to what you truly want in life. This does not mean you are a scoundrel (love this word), without hope, or a bad person. It does mean your history includes being shamed, wronged, or unsafe with telling the truth. You are not alone in this-and-being a grown up requires picking up your courage for claiming what is true for you in life. As I remind the courageous people I have the privilege to work with, along with the power to create your life (being a grown up) comes the responsibility for doing so.

Look for my 3rd article in the series on being a grown up. Our world is in a historical transition and living your presence, power, and purpose in the world has never been more important.  And your being a grown up will be in a manner different than how you were taught and how modeled before.

"Are You Living as Sacred or Scared?"

This is the first in a series of 3 articles on why becoming a grown up is cool. (I would say “groovy” but my 16 year old would roll her eyes and then tell me how old I am being). So what do I mean by "becoming a grown up"? Contrary to popular stereotypes, becoming a grown up offers you more power, joy, and way more love into your life than ever before. And whether it is taking responsibility for your happiness (vs blaming others for your lack of it) or claiming your authority for creating a life you love, becoming a grown up invites living your deepest truths and values, with integrity, everyday. Albert Einstein is quoted as saying “There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle”. Or as I say “are you choosing to live as sacred or scared”.  When we forget we are goddesses and gods walking this earth, we struggle in life and so does our world. The way out of your troubles and challenges is to take up the course corrections life brings your way,  as divine navigation for your life and for what you truly want. You and your life are sacred and when you forget this, you can get scared. When you get scared, it’s easy to forget you are vastly powerful, your choices are endless, and the infinite beauty, joy, and love you are. This in no way negates how you need others in the journey of life. As students of mythology know, even gods and goddesses need others at times. Learning to pivot from the mythology of something being wrong with you to the truth of life challenging you for updating your thinking, your beliefs, and what you were taught, is choosing to grow up. Birth as human comes with grace for going through the grit of life with gratitude.Understanding you need not justify yourself, but rather love, delight, and share yourself, can liberate you from false beliefs in right/wrong, good/bad ways for you to live, feel, or choose. And no, this is not a carte blanche for living without responsibility for your power, privilege, and purpose in life. Quite the opposite is true-the power granted to you as a human being is equal to your responsibility as a human being. Our age of connection and technology offers ease of access to ancient wisdom from around the world to all, no longer to only those of lineage and privilege. Technology makes possible connections with people, places, and possibilities around the world never before possible. And, this technology can serve for learning about the most advanced, magical, and powerful technology in the world-the vast world within you-when you remember to engage technology as a master, not it’s tool. For as never before, humanity needs your divinity and divinity is realized when lived in your daily humanity. In a nutshell, this is what becoming a grown up is all about. Stay tuned for the second article in this series on the importance of weeding out your “could ofs, should ofs, would ofs” and replacing them with discerning and deciphering divine wisdom offered you everyday in life. Making the choice to do creates the happiness, health, and purpose you were born to be living in abundance.

"Finding the Silver Linings in Your Life"

Challenges, changes, and conflicts are the words often used for the course corrections and soul connections life calls upon you to make. A life well-lived is not one without any problems, but a life in which you embrace your problems for learning, refining your choices, and en-joying yourself more. Learning to discern between the quieter voice of your soul vs the louder demands and judgments of your personality is essential for deciphering the course corrections and soul connections your life brings you. Aka your silver linings.

Silver linings offer you deeper connection to your heart and soul for deeper trust in your wisdom and inner guidance in life. You may have been taught to believe your soul has no place in crafting your choices in life. One of the perks of being a grownup is you alone get to choose what you say “yes” and “no thank you” to for creating your life. Being a grownup is cool!

Years ago when betrayed by those I loved and trusted, a wise friend told me to receive all that was happening as a blessing. I was not convinced but I was desperate, and so I greeted whatever showed up in my life with "thank you god for this blessing".  My mind told me I was nuts and yet I could feel myself relax. Intrigued, I committed to blessing what came my way for 6 months and while my mind was not always happy with me, the results transformed my life.  Don't believe everything you think.

So what exactly does a silver lining look like?

• Your friends can’t wait to tell you about their latest vacation, great restaurant, or the latest play they saw and you realize you are letting their phone calls go to voice mail even when you’re home.....or you invite the silver lining of your unhappiness let you know what's truly going on with you.

• Your beloved is not happy and blames you, goes silent, or has you wondering if you need to be looking for lipstick on the collar.  You become insecure, defensive, or hire yourself a lawyer.....or you invite the silver lining of your strained relationship bring forth your love, compassion, and attention.

• You wonder if something is up with your body so you become best friends with denial and overeat, self-medicate, or wake up at 3 am in a panic convinced you have a terminal disease.....or you invite the silver lining of your body wisdom bring forth caring for and tending to yourself. 

• Your parent’s golden years are far from that, you get called into your child’s school over a possible eating disorder, and you fantasize being somewhere where no one knows your name….or you invite the silver lining of your faith and trust in yourself remind you again of the difference between what you can control and how you can care.

Learning how to find the silver linings in your life can turn the changes, challenges, and conflicts every life contains into choices resulting in more ease, happiness, and waaay more fun. And, choosing the silver linings in your life reminds you of just how awesome your capacity and caliber truly are. Sound too good to be true? It's becomes easy to do once you learn how to embrace your problems as your life offering you course corrections and your soul offering you more connection for guidance and support. Life truly is on your side.

The Business of Love-Part 2

In last week’s article “The Business of Love-Part 1” I talked about how the kissing cousins of intimacy and vulnerability are essential choices and actions (or what I call business) for realizing happiness and success in love and life relationships. In today’s article, I am sharing more about what is essential for your happiness and satisfaction to flourish in your love and and life relationships.

So what other business is essential for your happiness and satisfaction in life and love?

1. Correcting the habit of tending to others more or before tending to yourself.

Most women are challenged by this habit of generations. Being told serving others is noble and appropriate to being a woman is not a bad message or choice, but a message often leaving women devoid of time and energy to care for themselves. I call this mortgaging yourself to buy acceptance, appreciation, or even love and the price women pay is anger, resentment, and negativity with others. Simply put, you cannot give to another what you yourself do not have to give yourself.

2. Learning how relationships in life and love have their ages and stages.

This wisdom can bring you patience and ease when your the needs and nature of your relationship shifts and changes are required. Relationships reflect the needs and the natures of the people in them and to resist change is to resist what you or your loved one needs. As people change-and we all do-different choices are required for maintaining happiness and satisfaction in their relationships. (And did you know relationships shift focus every 7 years?).

3. Realizing what you’ve been taught about men and women-their needs and nature-is not accurate nor useful for happiness and satisfaction in contemporary relationships.

You can love your parents-and, patterns they passed onto you need not be ones you live your life by. Much of what you have been taught-consciously and unconsciously-about women, men, and their relationships, is simply not accurate. Most of what is unsuccessful and leads to unhappiness in relationships can be fixed really quite easily, once you update your learning and understanding of the needs and nature of women, men, and their relationships.

4. Making the mistake of judging what comes your way in your live or love relationship as reflecting your value or even another's love.

The truth is, what comes your way in life and in love comes to you for reminding you of your capacity, your caliber, and your compassion. The largesse of your soul (and life) does not set you up to fail nor to feel unloved. The challenges which come your way in your relationships simply require your unique responses for making your love and your life “more”.

There is so much more which makes up the business of love and relationships in life.....learning how your personality will excel at rationalizations and justifications for continuing what is not working in your relationships vs the quieter voice of your soul urging your surrender to love, the fear you are taught about emotions hijacking you vs learning to decipher the wisdom emotions bring you, the habits and norms which damage your relationships in life and love, and more. Your relationships can be powerful, wonderful, life-changing when you update your learning about the nature and needs of women and men.

The Business of Love

I have come to appreciate how love in relationships need more than the emotion of love for happiness and success in love to last. When working in India in my 20's, I looked upon their tradition of arranged marriages as lacking the romance of love. My learning and the wisdom of my own experiences has taught me differently. The emotion of love is a verb, which means love needs action to tend and care for it. The actions of caring and tending of love I call the business of love and while I get a few wrinkled noses at putting the words business and love in the same sentence, noses relax and heads nod instead when I explain what I mean.

So what exactly is the business of love?

The business of love are the actions you take to tend to and care for who and what you love. The business of love can be as basic as making food you know your beloved enjoys and the business of love can be as complex as changing the unconscious patterns at the bottom of an affair. What is common to both the simple and complex business of love is your willingness to choose the intimacy and it’s kissing cousin vulnerability, love requires.

Intimacy begins with yourself-with your willingness to tell the truth about what you want, need, are feeling, fear, etc.  For relationships to be happy and successful, whether in love or in life, being willing to be vulnerable-not control-is required. Risky? Only if you are willing to settle for a very small and shallow version of life and love in order to avoid the risks of intimacy and vulnerability love requires. The intimacy of relationship you have with yourself is the level of intimacy you can offer and receive from another in love.

I know talking about the business of love can feel....well, kinda anti-love. And, learning about the nature and needs of women and men, the ages and stages of relationship, is required learning for creating happy and successful contemporary relationships vs relying on the defaults you've been handed by those you love. Love requires not only talking about what you want and don't like, love requires your conscious courage, commitment, and clarity in action.

Relationships offer us heaven...and relationships can be hell. We are not taught about relationships nor are we in possession of much accurate wisdom on the nature and needs of women or men. Is it any surprise your relationships of love often mirror family patterns you already know you don't like? And by the way, the business of love is essential learning for relationships of friendship and business as well. 

I'll be sharing more about tending and caring for love in relationships in my next article "The Business of Love-Part 2", including the important differences between your personality and your soul when it comes to love.

"The Peril of Lacking Integrity with What is Sacred to You"

Almost 40 years ago, I sat down in a yoga class, closed my eyes, and opened up to the world within. I was a reluctant participant to the new age of ancient spirituality, wisdom, and healing, not always inspired by the way “being spiritual” was being used to bypass the sometimes hard work of relationships and life. Yet my own experience of transformations and healing through engaging ancient technologies taught me to not throw the new age baby out with my judgement of others.....funny how life teaches us at times!

Matthew Fox, a renowned theologian, wrote “ I seriously question the spirituality and ethics of anyone whose integrity in life has never gotten him or her into trouble”.  In my work with couples and families, I find a lack of one's integrity often lies at the root of pain and conflict in their life and relationships. Taught as children love equals not hurting the other, what is to be done with feelings, thoughts, and desires you fear will hurt or cause rejection from those you love? Too often the answer is to become silent and not risk sharing with those you love, judging them as what is holding you back from living what is sacred to you.

What is sacred to you is intimate, tangible, and known by the priorities of your life. What is sacred seeks sharing with those you love, forming the foundation of the intimacy and security of relationship you long for and all too often, confuse with control. What is sacred invites those you love to share what is sacred for them with you as well, offering safe harbor for the power of our vulnerability to be shared. Scary? Can be. Yet without the courage to risk sharing what is sacred to you with those you hold sacred in life, the pain and rejection you fear you will create. Ironic. (Irony I have come to understand is the sacred's way of reminding us of the limitations of human's linear logic ).

What is sacred in your life will test you, will challenge you, will demand changes you at first fear and are afraid to make. These trials and tribulations are not proof something is wrong with what you hold sacred in life-quite the contrary. What tests you in life is simply reminding you to engage with faith and courage, what is sacred to you, an intimate reminder of the faith and trust the sacred has in you....trust and faith when extended to ourself and those we love, creates the integrity of intimate relationship that is sacred as well.

The Power of Small For All

I am blessed to have studied with teachers and healers both Eastern and Western for almost 4 decades, learning ancient wisdom and technology about women, men, and relationships. One pivotal learning has been understanding how power for women initiates from within, from a dynamic relationship with her soul and grace. And, how different the world would be if women honored their power to create change in their world.

Understanding women's capacity and caliber initiates why women are considered crucial leadership our world and times need. Women in essence inspire and uplift others to their capacity and caliber in life as well as offering their own creativity and infinite resources. The challenge to women’s essential nature (and power in service) comes when women believe their impact too small, in lives already so busy tending roles and relationships.

One of my favorite reminders about power and impact is the saying “small contains all”. What your mind calls small is not, for your choices come from your desires, your values, your beliefs, your creativity, your power to create. When you live as though all your daily choices contain power and impact, you begin to create more of your desires in your life and the world.

The changes and challenges of life can feel overwhelming and you can doubt yourself and your power to create your desired life. When you honor your daily choices as powerful and sacred, your life, your relationships, and your world will change in ways both delightful and magical. Small does indeed contain all.

So how can you realize the power of your small?

Show Up. Wherever you find yourself in life, show up. If you are less than thrilled with where you find yourself, commit to becoming more aware of how you talk to yourself and what you are telling yourself as you choose your words and actions. Never doubt the wisdom of where you find yourself in life. Life is for learning about yourself and as you honor your learning and make different choices, life will move you closer to your clarity of desires.

Stand Up. Your presence is powerful and sharing your values, your integrity, your service is critical for realizing your happiness and impact in life. Believing your life will change when you finally get the courage to make that one big. radical. sexy choice which will change everything you don’t like about yourself or your life is magical thinking. But when you stand up for what makes you happy, when you stand up for your deepest values and dreams, you'll realize your life is aligning itself with where you stand up for yourself and your dreams.

Speak Up. Learning to speak up in your roles, in your relationships, in your daily life is not small at all. When you speak up, it may appear tnothing changes... time will tell. Yet choosing not to speak up vacates your power and your presence for making a difference life and world. More than once I have been surprised how words I spoke-sometimes reluctantly-came back as the inspiration or example another person needed to have the courage to speak or act. Never doubt that your truth spoken is powerful, for you inspire not only change but others as well when you speak up.

It is in the small choices we make every day that we create the life we are living. Never mistake small for less than all powerful. Daily choices of heart and soul create a life full of heart and soul....a life we are all meant to live big every day.