"Once Upon a Time You Loved Yourself"

While I understand feeling cynical about Valentine’s Day if not in a romantic relationship (or in an unhappy marriage), Valentine’s Day for me is a time to offer love to those I love. Cookies are made and decorated, cards written and sent, and something fun planned for myself. Yes, I include myself in those I treasure on Valentine’s Day for without loving myself, I am compromised in the love I offer others, confusing love with my needs.

Learning to love yourself is not being selfish, but a smart way to care for yourself and those you love (vs needing from, demanding of, bargaining with, etc). Being in the business of helping people become happier, I wish I had a nickel for every time a person got mad at their loved one for not loving them, when the real issue at hand is a confusion between love and their needs. Loving yourself will keep you out of the trap of confusing love with needing someone to satisfy your need for security, appreciation, or a regular dinner companion. You can’t give someone what you don't have for yourself. 

If you are not feeling love for yourself, how can you get that loving feeling?

 You once trusted what you loved, wanted, knew and you can do so again. One of the unexpected treasures of raising children was delighting in their clarity and self-confidence in what they loved. Only when entering the double-digit ages did this self-confidence begin to respond to peer pressures and cultural messaging. There is nothing like a 9 or 10 year old whose self-confidence knows no bounds and anything is possible. Your 10 year old is still within you, happy to offer her self-confidence and trust in the world for living your adult life. 

Find a picture of yourself no older than 10 years old and smiling. Put this picture somewhere you can easily see your younger self everyday and once a day, send love and a smile to the confident young woman you still are. Do you remember what you loved at 10 years old? Your favorite color and candy? Even if you cannot remember the particulars, I have no doubt you were not wishy washy on what you loved (and hated ;-). Second guessing yourself was not an issue for you then and while you may not trust yourself and your likes and dislike now, you can have your younger self help you remember how you really DO know what you like and want.

Trust yourself and you will know your answers. From birth you’ve been taught that others’ opinions and directives were more important than your own. And while mostly well-intended, there comes a time when the strengths and competencies of others needs to defer to your believing in your own strengths and knowing. Otherwise you will find yourself living a life disconnected from your own inner guidance which knows without a doubt how to realize love and joy in your life.

Love yourself and everything else falls into place. Lucille Ball wasn’t only a pioneer in television and comedy, she knew a thing or two about getting what she wanted. “You really do have to love yourself to realize your dreams and desires in your life” and I couldn't agree with her more. Until you can love yourself, the love you offer others is conditional and often a trade disguised. “I love you and if you love me you will….take care of me, make me feel secure, do as I want”... you get the picture. Love is a mystical marathon and does not play by the rules of control and logic of your mind. To love another requires you love and honor yourself first to avoid having your needs be cloaked and called love. Many a marriage or family has come apart when self-love has been lacking, for without self-love, you will seek what you need from another and call it love.

This Valentine’s Day, consider how well you love yourself and how this is related to how satisfied and happy you are with the people you love. If you aren't feeling loved by yourself, check in with your 10 year old who never doubted herself and was unabashed in what she loved. I leave you with this thought and I invite you to celebrate yourself and your life on this day we put aside to honor love  ~

“To know what you love instead of continuing to nicely say “ok” to what others tell you, is to keep your soul and spirit alive. How do you know what you love? You put your ear down next to your soul, ask it to speak with you, and you listen very hard, especially when you are feeling lost or afraid”.

"What You Care For Needs Your Care"

What a magnificent time we live in, when who and what we care about calls on us to show up, and speak up for caring for it. I was unable to attend the Women’s March due to recent foot surgery, but I did not accept I could not somehow show my support. And so I funded 2 single mothers who would otherwise been unable to afford to travel to DC for the Women’s March there. I’m also the proud mom of a daughter and a son who marched in the NYC March, having grown up to the tune of “what you care about needs you to care for it with your actions”. My daughter sent me pictures (above) as she marched along, taking me with her in spirit. My son, not one to protest lightly- ”I’m not a protesting former hippy like you Mom”- felt strongly that too much is at risk for him to not show up. (Here’s an interesting article which speaks to how he feels as a man who loves the many women in his life: http://www.vox.com/identities/2017/1/22/14347710/men-womens-march)

The leadership model women are unfurling is one of standing up for how the least of us, the most vulnerable of us, is cared for. Leadership which honors how ALL life is sacred, even that life for which we do not see a purpose, have use for, or kinship with. Women’s leadership seeks BOTH to understand “the other” AND draws lines in the sand of what will not happen on her watch. Going to war for peace is violence we condone until we seek to understand what scares us vs trying to negate, control, or kill what scares us. Women’s leadership cannot simply change who is empowered but how power is wielded and who it serves.

However you are showing up for women’s rights, for gender rights, for immigration rights, we need to “+1” what we are doing. I’ve contributed to Planned Parenthood since I was 16 years old, having gone to the local office for birth control. Their required exam before dispensing birth control found several lumps in a breast which turned out to be benign after a biopsy was done. Even at the young age of 16 I was impressed at their standard of care for a 16 year old and have donated to them ever since. Now I need to do more. So once a week I’m calling my congressional representatives (which includes Elizabeth Warren-woohoo!) to let them know I am opposed to any attempt to defund Planned Parenthood. Period.

This time of globalization is not simply an economic model affecting so many in challenging economic ways. Globalization is also the dynamic by which we are becoming much more aware of others- of those who look, think, choose differently than we do. Honoring all life as sacred is the consciousness globalization requires of us, a consciousness requiring we learn how to form relationship with “the other”. And lest you go too quickly to thinking it’s only men who need to learn to do so, consider the challenge for constructive dialogue and partnership between women pro-life and pro-choice. 'An issue which polarized the organizing of last Saturday's Women's Marches, showing us we all have work to do in seeking to understand "the other".

I leave you with these thoughts: 

1. Keep vigilance that your thoughts and actions align with your deepest values and dreams. Show up more for tending to what you care about; it's time for you to act, not simply talk and think.
2. Find your news in places different than mainstream television venues. Your computer screen offers you a plethora of less-reactive, thoughtful, and diverse perspectives from sources both national and international. And receive what you read on social media with a grain of salt, for all is not as it appears on your computer or phone screen, not only the telly.
3. Become pro-active with what you care about. Become inspired by your anger at injustice, discrimination, and abuse, but not reacting in kind by “going to war for peace” against others who anger you.
4. Embrace relationship as the form of power you exercise more than believing control will keep you safe-it won’t. Only through seeking to understand each other-and yourself-can we successfully engage the world's changes in this time of globalization and instant news.
5. Your power, your impact lies in how you respond to what triggers you, what provokes you. Do you “return fire” or do you change the game by how you respond? To do so requires becoming more neutral- which does not mean not feeling passionately- in how you respond to what provokes you. Triggering another’s defensiveness (and thus aggression) will only energize conflict, reduce trust, and challenge finding a common ground for working things out.
6. Become friends with paradox as real life more than your mind’s straight line of logic. Paradox is both caring deeply about what you do and seeking to understand those you disagree with. Your mind may tell you this is a fool's game, but your soul and spirit know it's the only game that will succeed in these times of change and challenge.

It is a radical time to be alive and your presence in these challenging times is neither random nor insignificant. Your presence in the lives you cross paths with-both pleasantly and not so much-has impact and importance for you both. Your actions and choices have impact on the health and well-being of the ecology of your personal life and your communities. You were born for these times, and although your mind may feel confused or fearful, your spirit and soul do not. Yes, you will need to learn some history and consider changing some of your beliefs and habits. And you won't always be comfortable becoming more engaged for what you care about. Yet as I shared in my latest Blogtalkradio show, sometimes what makes you uncomfortable now is where in time you will see the footprints of your soul.

When you live as though you truly matter and your presence in the lives of others matters, your experience of life will change. We've been taught to under-value the power of the choices we make and the actions we take every day for how we create our life and the world. Getting to know not only your thoughts, but the vast capacity of your soul and spirit is now required. And, what challenges you is always within your capacity, if you but use not only your mind but your spirit, soul, and the heart of yourself as well!

"The Holiness of Your Challenges"

My life--especially what provokes or challenges me-have served to teach me we are blessed with a sacred journey we call being human. And while looking around at the state of the world may appear to mock this, I’ve also grown skeptical of conclusions based solely on my thoughts and what our culture tells me is so. I’ve come to understand wherever darkness holds court in your life is where to shine even brighter the light of your soul and the radiance of your heart. As Mother Teresa understood, saving the world and creating world peace begins in your own life and home and only then will it become so in the world.

It is holy work to be entrusted by women and men with intimacy of what keeps them up at night and doubting themselves. Becoming vulnerable with a stranger requires not only courage, but a faith-however faint and elusive-in people and the world as essentially good. I have the privilege of helping people trade their challenge in trusting themselves for trusting answers already within them. Add learning to translate the ever-present guidance and wisdom of their soul, and their courage to risk changing results in feeling better about themselves and their life.

When I speak with a person about what they are struggling with, I hear them also offer their answers, although they do not hear themselves do so. This is not due to a lack of intelligence or desire on their part. It is the result of being taught for generations to assign authority to outside of yourself, when the truth is, you are the expert of yourself and your life. And, as the ancient Greeks (and Barbara Streisand) understood, people need people in life. Alone we cannot see our angels and our devils which sit on our shoulders, awaiting our choice of which to embrace. Only a person on the other side of us can help us claim our angels and banish our devils.

Your capacity to live your desires and your passions will not come through talking or thinking about doing so. It comes through engaging your challenges for bringing forth just how much braver, stronger, and wiser you truly are than you now believe. What provokes you in life-an important relationship, a health challenge, the incoming POTUS- offers itself as a catalyst for engaging your soul and spirit to create solutions to where you now feel despair and discouraged. How wise Shakespeare was in cautioning us in being too quick to judge good or bad, right or wrong, when what challenges us (bad) offers us surprising grace (good) when we engage it.

The world needs you more than ever to be bold and brave in living as the unique and essential soul and life you are, to share the sacred (vs scared) presence and radiance you are. Never doubt that your spirit and soul can prevail in what you mind tells you is doom and gloom. You may not understand how this can be so, but choose to have faith in yourself and watch miracles unfold which serve your life and this time you were born for. I leave you with words which help me remember this when I get discouraged....

"We have entered a new Middle Ages, a time of violence, of extreme class disparity, of religious fanaticism, of plagues and famines.....a time when it is terribly important and often dangerous to preserve values and knowledge, to stand up for visions that most of this crazed world cannot comprehend or tolerate. The value of having your own inner map of the world as it is-not how it is broadcast-is this: it allows you to know that your life, your task, is larger than yourself. If you choose to be a decent person, you are entrusted with passing on something of value through a dark and crazy time. Preserving your integrity in your way, by your acts and your very presence, to hold what is precious for those who will build again when this chaos exhausts itself. People who assume the burden of their own integrity are free, and as Nelson Mandela showed us, it's force cannot be quelled even when jailed. The future lives in our individual, often lonely, and certainly unprofitable acts of integrity or it doesn't live at all."  ~ Michael Ventura

"Are You Tired of Putting Up With Bad Behavior?"

It's been an interesting year of becoming aware of how much bad behavior I put up with….and that was before the 2016 campaign! Carpenters who messed up and then billed me for correcting their mistakes, clients who complained nothing was getting better but didn't do homework for learning new skills, friends who told me they were there for me-not. You know the drill as you too are putting up with bad behavior and calling it love, family, being nice, etc.

What is "Putting Up with Bad Behavior"?

• You make excuses for the person behaving badly, saying s/he is going through a rough patch, had a bad childhood, doesn’t really mean it. Rough patches are a part of life, I have yet to meet someone who adores their childhood, and when did we begin treating words as having no impact? What you tolerate is how you will teach other to behave with and towards you.
• You treat yourself badly and then wonder why others do so as well. Eleanor Roosevelt called it out-you teach others how to treat you. The one person you have the most power with, control with, creation with is yourself. Yet how you treat yourself, how you talk to yourself is often downright mean! In fact, if you treated a child the way you too often treat and talk to yourself, you would be appalled! Be nicer to yourself-and and be honest about what you tolerate from those who say they love you-and your life will change for the better.
• You are unhappy in your life or a relationship and tell yourself there is value in tolerating bad behavior. You may have been taught what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Nope, that is how you survive life, not how you will thrive and be happy in life. There is absolutely nothing to be gained from enduring (your gift of) life or a relationship. Life is short and being a martyr does not earn you brownie points for being a good person or entry into heaven.
• You tell yourself "it’s no big deal, you can handle it" when you are being dissed, denigrated, or dismissed. It IS a big deal and there is a price both the person dissing you and you are paying for putting up with bad behavior. The people you cross paths with in life are for your benefit somehow, as you are for them. Your choice to stand up for yourself or for your values may be exactly what the other person came into your life for, despite appearances to the contrary. Never doubt your value in life-or in another's life-nor your power to inspire through no longer tolerating bad behavior.
• Your body never lies and will reflect back to you what your choices are really costing you. Your mind may tell you to dismiss or ignore what you/r body is feeling, your culture will tell you to take a pill for it, but ignoring your body's messaging is done at the peril of your well-being. The price of putting up with bad behavior has a price to your spirit as well as to how you feel about yourself and others.

Dismantling your learned habit of not caring for yourself, not honoring yourself, not respecting yourself won't happen by thinking about it. Learning to no longer put up with being dismissed, being disrespected or being denigrated happens through taking action one conversation, one choice at a time. Putting up with bad behavior and telling yourself you’re being nice, not being a bitch-or my favorite, not being negative-is justifying and condoning bad behavior. 

Learning to care for yourself as the sacred being you are will make you uncomfortable, maybe even be scary at times. But isn’t feeling better about yourself and your fellow humans worth it? The irony is that when you no longer put up with bad behavior, you’ll find yourself more willing and able to be kinder, more tolerant, and more loving in your life. 

The choice to no longer put up with bad behavior has moved from optional to what now seems imperative. At the heart of your challenges in life is your soul's call to remember and live as who you really are... Powerful. Creative. Wise. Courageous. Compassionate. Committed. Generous. You get the idea. You were born for this turbulent time of evolution, for living out loud the nobility, dignity, and divinity of being human, and uplifting and inspiring those who have forgotten.

"We The People"

As did many of you, I stayed up way past my bedtime Tuesday night to watch history unfold and expectations have an epic fail. Emotions ruled the night and the logic of polling data was no match. I feel deep disappointment, disturbed, sad, but not really surprised by one half of the country pulling the rug out from the other half. 'Not unlike a marriage in trouble, it can take the shock of an affair or your partner announcing they want a divorce to wake up to something's really wrong. “We the People” are in trouble, not unlike a marriage where one or both people insists the other person is the problem and the other must change. Sound familiar? “We the People” is a dream worth fighting for, worth getting uncomfortable for, and worth owning your part of what's wrong, for. Dismissing those we disagree with is “two wrongs don’t make it right” in action and nothing good comes from doing so.  “We the People” means when you don’t agree with or understand a position or a concern of “them”, you seek to understand their concerns and experiences. Not doing so got us the once unthinkable as our next President. Ouch. It is said that a rising tide lifts all boats, yet a clear message this Tuesday is how too many people's boats are not rising, but sinking. Yes, misogyny showed up, yes 50’s retro showed up, and yes, racism showed up. But to explain the results of this election on bad behavior and simpletons is to continue to ignore the large numbers of people feeling helplessness and hopelessness about the promise of "We the People". If the results of Tuesday's election kicked your butt, show up more, speak up more, and stand up more for who and what you hold most dear. This poem by Anne Dillard says it well:  "There is no one but us, and we ourselves unfit, not yet ready, and our children busy and troubled, -as if innocence had ever been- that our innocent fathers are all dead, with the notion that we have come at an awkward time, a generation comforting ourselves but only us, on the face of the Earth, nor a clean hand nor a pure heart There is no one to send, having each of us chosen wrongly, made a false start, failed, yielded to impulse and the tangled comfort of pleasures, and grown exhausted, unable to seek the thread, weak, and  involved. But, there is no one but us. There never has been.” “We the People” is a big dream given to Americans for tending and nurturing and there is no one but us to do so. We were born for a time demanding we seek to understand each other through compassion, not committed to our divisions. Tuesday’s results reflected the state of  “We the People” and it was painful. Yet, I take inspiration from how Rumi invites us to engage the pain life brings us in his poem below: "Overcome any bitterness that may have come because you were not up to the magnitude of pain that was entrusted to you. Like the Mother of the world who carries the pain of the world in her heart, each one of us is a part of her heart and is endowed with a certain measure of her pain. You are sharing in the totality of that pain and you are called to meet it in joy instead of self-pity" Meeting pain with joy, with compassion for the others and yourself, will be critical for leading us out of seemingly impossible challenges of our times.We were born with no map for these times, yet within each of our heart and souls is all the guidance and courage we need. Few are our true leaders, perhaps so we learn to lead our life in common unity with each other. In closing, I leave you with this poem from Lao-Tzu which helps me adjust my altitude when I am feeling hopeless or helpless about the world I was born to love and care for, with the light of my soul guiding my way through times of darkness: “What is a good man but a  bad manʼs teacher? What is a bad man but a good manʼs job?  If you donʼt understand this,  you will get lost, however intelligent you are.

May your Light guide your way, xoxo JaiKaur

"Living Your Life Being +1"

Life can be challenging and feel overwhelming, so who's got the time or the energy to do or give more? What if I told you- despite what you might believe- how you will become happier and healthier when you choose “Being +1". Just what the heck do I mean by that?

When you choose to live “Being +1”, you choose to offer being the inspiration, a joy, the smile we all need in our day. "Being +1" means committing to being a bit more positive and kind to the people you cross paths with in your day. Choosing to offer kindness to people you know as well as don’t know isn't only what the Dalai Lama would want for you but your doctor as well. For recent studies at the University of Massachusetts Medical School (and other studies) found that improved mental health was more closely linked to giving help than to receiving it.

Scientific studies abound on how offering kindness delivers the benefit of not only more happiness but better health as well to both the giver and the receiver of kindness. Helping others releases endorphins and hormones which reduce inflammation, ease pain and chronic headaches and stomach aches, increase energy levels, and reduce blood pressure and cholesterol levels. And experiencing kindness helps with depression through giving people a sense of social connection in a world often too virtual.

Here are some simple ways to inspire and uplift your day:

• Smile at someone – anyone - for no reason as you walk down the street or open a door for someone. 
• Put away your phone when you are with your loved ones and focus your attention on them instead.
• Leave your waiter or waitress not only a big tip but a note of appreciation as well. (If you’ve ever been a waitress or waiter, you know how much that can mean!)
• Give hugs generously-we all need as many as we can get!
• Donate your old eyeglasses so someone can see again. And while you’re at it, donate the bikes, the books, the clothes you aren't using.
• Volunteer to read to people blind or at a senior center or home. 
• Instead of gossiping about other people's foibles, commit to saying a positive word about people who challenge your faith in human nature.
• Dust off the gratitude journal and recommit to gratitude vs complaining.

Choosing to live "Being +1" is a mutually beneficial way you have in your power for changing your life-and the world-for the better. Simple choices resulting in powerful results for both yourself and the others you share your life-and Mother Earth- with. And if you find it hard to choose being the inspiration, to choose joy and gratitude in your days, it may be time for a spiritual tune-up with me!

"Why Playing the Cards Life Deals You Serves You"

I've spent the last year hobbling around on crutches due to a foot surgery done badly. I've received many a suggestion for distracting myself from being disabled and awaiting bones mending enough for a second surgery. One of the suggestions I received from more than one person was to check out the BBC series "Poldark". After my second/remedial foot surgery in June, I found "Poldark" available on Amazon Prime Video and decided to check the series out.

Well! Several viewings later and the purchase of the next series of Winston Graham books for reading, I've come to realize why "Poldark" has captivated me so. Yes there is eye-candy a-plenty of both the natural as well as the 2-legged variety. And while I love a good historical drama, this did not explain my need to watch "Poldark" over and over again. The discomfort I was feeling at being so consumed by the series I knew signaled a jewel of sorts awaiting my discovery. 

What I've come to realize about my borderline obsession with "Poldark" was not an infatuation with Aiden Turner (altho' an interesting person and talented actor) as my friend Peter had teased me. Themes of hope, of redemption, of the mystery and challenges of love beautifully played by actors and actresses with those accents we Americans love to listen to. "Poldark" beautifully unfolds how playing the cards life deals you serves you and the people life has you playing with. And the preciousness and beauty of your life when you choose to live your life using the GPS of your honor and your compassion.

While social marketing (and one's childhood) can lead to you feeling as though you or your life somehow lack, what if you picked up the cards life dealt you and played them? Instead of apologizing for being "too sensitive", embrace being so and honor your sensitivity "card" in how you live your life. Living your sensitivity-not defending it nor hiding it away-shares the quality of sensitivity with those life has you playing with and learning with. Campaigning for the changes you seek in the world rarely is as effective as simply living them in your life and your relationships.

We are all diamonds in the rough who become more clear and beautiful through how we challenge and are challenged by those we love and are in relationship with. Trying to be different from the cards life dealt you for playing only keeps you from being happy and successful as you are. For not all which inspires us to become better as human beings is comfortable nor easy as many a new mother will attest to.

A powerful way to change the world for the better is by bringing more of who you are to light and for living. While we may believe we know how things should be, the truth is there are many many more factors at play in your life than your mind alone can realize. Life evolves, refines itself through you and me taking up not only what we call good, but the imperfect of life as well. Your happiness has a better chance of unfolding in ways magical and beautiful when you play the cards dealt you for serving you and your life.

"What Happiness Will Demand of You"

We live in a time when information is abundant about pretty much everything, including how to be happy. Even the US Declaration of Independence offers "unalienable right" to happiness as guaranteed by it's government. And yet happiness seems to be elusive as realized by any manner of measuring the happiness of the human race. So what gives?

Happiness lies in being congruent with your soul and purpose and living your sovereignty. Yet we have been taught our soul is for matters not earthly and to conform for keeping safe and being considered normal. And therein lies the rub-claiming your right to happiness will require you to get uncomfortable, to take risks, to be true to yourself first.

Living your sovereignty-living in congruence with your deepest values-is essential for being happy in your life and your relationships. Learning to do so does not come without challenges for untangling from the pain of what is familiar is not always easy. And knowing what is wrong is not enough to make things better. 

Taking on what is causing you pain or is not working in your life takes courage as well as wise guidance and support for keeping on track for realizing your intended changes. Too many women settle for simply complaining about their unhappiness and blaming others for it. Or fall into the trap of embracing their fears as more powerful than the grit and the grace they come endowed with as women. 

Consider yourself blessed if your life or a relationship challenges you, for at the heart of the challenge is the call for you to live more of who you truly are. Yes, it will mean you will be uncomfortable at times and question choices you are currently making. Yet unlike what you've been taught, happiness comes through how you respond to what life brings you, not the false belief you can control life or others for your happiness.

Happiness is your birthright and what your heart and soul desire for you. Creating a happier life or relationship will require you to make changes in your choices through your actions. Doing so may not be easy at times, yet learning to flex the muscles of your soul and your grace as a woman will yield much better results than blaming others for the state of your happiness. Life has a way of insisting change happens and as the saying goes, what we resist, persists!

"Throw Out Your Rear View Mirror and Leap!"

We are rounding the corner into the 3rd month of the year, a time of year when people begin to realize either success-or not-with the changes they vowed to set in motion for making 2016 their best year yet. Ok, maybe not their best year, but at least a year they would be happier, or more loving, or communicate more honestly…..you get the picture. As Dr. Phil would say, “how’s that working for ya?”.

A dynamic sure to create a feeling of helplessness or hopelessness is vowing to change something in yourself or your life and then not setting up support and strategy for creating a change. Not wanting to be unhappy will not make you happier nor will wanting to be more loving with your partner be of much use when your partner does that thing which triggers your best imitation of nails on the chalkboard! 

Looking in your life’s rear view mirror for how things were-good or bad-keeps you from being present and taking action for creating outcomes you want today. Beating yourself up for how you “shoulda, coulda, woulda” or how you made that mistake, only keeps a past wound from healing into wisdom present today. So what can you do if you find yourself looking in the rear view mirror of your life?

1. Acknowledge you are beating yourself up for something in your past. We too easily discount how powerful our thoughts and beliefs are in what we call “our experience” in life. It truly is not what happens that takes you down, but what you tell yourself and get back up from a sucker punch in life. The story of your life is yours to write, a gift which comes with your precious gift of life. Do you like the story you are telling about yourself and your life?

2. Take time to really feel what you are feeling. We have been taught to be wary of our emotions and labeling your emotions is not caring for them or yourself. An emotion is like a freight train-engine in the front, container cars in the middle, and caboose at the end. An emotion can be powerful, contain past experiences and unresolved power, and offer you wisdom in the end. The conductor of the train? You!  Do you know how to conduct yourself for receiving and learning from your emotions in life?

3. Throw out your rear view mirror. Beating yourself up for a past mistake or choice keeps you from living a better choice today. Your past is for learning from and your present is your opportunity to try again. I know it may be difficult to believe you get second chances on matters which even today hurt. But Nature has taught me an undeniable truth-life moves forward for offering you more experiences of beauty and love.

4. Let it go.  Many a time I have realized I am “circling the drain”-a thought is going ‘round and ‘round in my head, making me feel badly about myself or another person. Once I realize I am doing so, I take a few deep breaths and remind myself I can choose peace or war. Choosing peace requires me to let go of the destructive thoughts. And bullying myself with a thought will keep me from being able to address what is troubling me.

Let yourself receive the present of each new day, much as you were gifted with another day this leap day and year. Haven’t succeeded so far this year in your vow to be happier this year? Haven’t quite got that loving feeling back on the front burner? Then leap! with courage into re-committing to do so today, with some support and strategy for realizing your success-this year-in doing so.  

"Love Being the Smartest One in the Room"

A few years back while working with a marketing coach for revisions to my website, I expressed frustration at the conflicting advice I had received about website copy over the years. He laughed and said something which struck that “wisdom bell” we all have within us. “Never forget you are the smartest person in the room JaiKaur”. I laughed but then went back to pondering which expert I should listen to about how to make my website copy better.

I’ve never met a women who doesn’t feel she is somehow lacking. Whether not skinny enough, sexy enough, productive enough, the bottom line is she is “not enough”. Instead of challenging the truth of the insidious voice of where we are lacking, we purchase products marketed for this lack, or feel shame about that lack, or simply give up on feeling content and at ease with being as we are. 

Your life contains a finite number of breaths and an infinite number of choices to celebrate your being and life. Yet all too often a woman’s experience of her life is a confusion of messages from people past and present about her purpose and worth. ‘Confusion clears and clarity reigns when you learn to receive the softer voice within you whose sole purpose is to illuminate your life’s true purpose and your worth as most precious. 

At the end of the day, the choices you make in your life and your relationships are yours alone to live and breathe. No matter how good someone makes something sound, no matter how much authority you give someone, you alone answer for the choices you make at the end of the day. Chances are good you already know what's true for you, making you the smartest person in the room-about you! Now the only thing that's keeping you from enjoying what you know is trusting and committing 1000% to what you know and taking consistent action towards your goals and dreams, inspired by your knowing.

So practice trusting yourself more, trusting what you like more, and taking action inspired by the wisdom within you, more. The more you practice the better you'll get at loving yourself and the life you are creating. Learn to dial into the wisdom within yourself and to receive the softer voice as the voice you trust - not the voice which tells you how you are not enuf! Really own your choices, embrace your courage, and empower a love affair with yourself and with your life. For you truly are the smartest person in the room about what makes you happy and how to live your life on purpose.

"How's Your 2016 Treating You?"

I don’t know about you, but 2016 is already requiring me to exercise more neutrality, wisdom, and courage for not freaking out in response to the challenges and changes life is sending my way. Now don’t get me wrong, freaking out has it’s place in life-not unlike how a good thunderstorm clears the air. But freaking out onto the people you care about (including yourself) does not end well. All that time and energy spent in emotional drama is sooo 2015!

The free Tele-class “Your Soul Medicine as Woman” I offered earlier this month offered me many reasons to freak out. Beginning with my assistant forgetting to send out the call-in numbers before going on holiday, to the recording function failing, my inner “you're a screw up” dragon had a field day with me. Yup, 2016 began with great reasons for me to freak out and feel powerless, but this is not how I roll when I remember to engage my grace, grit, and gratitude as a woman.

As I shared in my tele-class, women need to call on their soul medicine for navigating contemporary life's changes and challenges and keeping their happiness and purpose intact. “May you live in challenging times” is said to be a blessing, yet without engaging the tools and strength your soul offers you, the challenges life sends your way will seem overwhelming and have you feeling helpless. Learning how to receive and decipher your soul’s guidance changes feeling afraid and hopeless to living your happiness and purpose.

I invite you to CLICK HERE for a FREE phone session with me, for why feel alone with your worries, fear, or sleepless nights? Perhaps you already know what you want or need to change, but feel helpless or hopeless to make the changes. Woman are gifted with many strengths and skills, yet caring for yourself as well as you do others can be challenging. Take a minute and ask yourself if 2016 is the year you learn how to claim the grace, grit, and gratitude within you as a woman. Or if 2016 is the year you continue to feel helpless, hopeless, or unhappy with your life or relationships.

Why "Just Breathe" is not Enough

A little over a week ago, 9 people were killed by a man 21 years young, in the basement of their church. Outrage, anger, sorrow are some of the emotions people share feeling, and how to respond to their emotions and this tragedy, a struggle. I shared my initial thoughts in an article I posted on my website and one of the responses I received was “just breathe”. Now, I teach people I work with how to use their breathing for lowering anxiety and stress. So why did I find myself feeling irritated by this response to “just breathe”?

“Just breathe” seems a kind enough response to my feelings of outrage and pain, yes? Earlier in my life I would have thought so and ignored the feeling inside that more was needed. Yet my life experience's have delivered priceless wisdom about the need for both inspiring words and conscious action. Too many women fall into the trap of talking and talking about what they don’t like yet fear speaking up or taking action for making things better. Women who then end up feeling badly about themselves and feel helpless or hopeless in their life or a relationship.

As Elizabeth Cady Stanton offered “The moment we begin to fear the opinions of others and not only hesitate to tell the truth within us but fail to act upon it, the divine floods of light and life flow no longer into our souls.” Women’s power emerges in large part through her willingness to give voice to the truths she feels within, to give voice to what is waiting for her to speak up for. Women’s power emerges when she owns the divine grace she is and engages her grace and soul for transforming the world.

The Reverend Clement Pinckney-one of the 9 people killed in Charleston last week-was both a minister and a State Senator. When asked why he chose to be both, he said he knew prayers alone would not help the people he served gain the jobs they needed for a better life. He said he needed to both serve his faith in God through his ministry and serve his underprivileged constituents through politics. “Both faith in the prayers he offered and taking action in the world he lived in were needed for making things better."

I leave you with but one suggestion instead of my usual list of a few. A suggestion for when you find yourself in pain or despairing about a relationship or the state your life is in. Give this one suggestion an opportunity for you to experience the guidance and wisdom within you. Close your eyes, focus your breath into your heart, and say to yourself ”Divine Being of compassion and grace I am, bless me with loving myself and my life today”. Feel these words as they resonate within you and receive what comes forth when you offer yourself these words. Then commit to trusting the power and presence of your grace as a woman for your life.

"Are You Choosing Better or Bitter When Life Bites?"

Many women struggle with an injustice, a wrong done them by someone they love or by life. They believed being a good person insured them of good in life, yet now they find themselves struggling in an important relationship or their health under seige. “It’s not fair” or “why me?” are thoughts which hound them and their faith in life and people is badly shaken, including their faith in themselves.

I have great empathy for their pain and frustration for I too have felt betrayed by both people and my body. The betrayals felt devastating at the time and I remember feeling so lost as my rules for life had failed me. Who and what was I to trust? Certainly not people, and it felt as though God was on vacation at the very time I needed his help! When your world falls apart, it can be scary and confusing how to make things better....I know.

Life is not fair, at least not the way your mind tells you it ought to be. A crisis in life challenges our belief in life as fair as well as that life plays by the rules we've made up for control in life. If we were like machines, performing tasks as our life, our desire for life to be predicable and as we want it to be would be, well, logical. Alas, we are not machines, rather an alchemy of the temporary physical and the eternal spiritual. 

Mystery rules life yet navigating life and creating happy and satisfying results does not need to be mysterious. People will disappoint you and life will challenge you, yet happiness in life comes not from what and who you control, but through your responses with people and in life. Aligning yourself with the adventure of your life, offers you the opportunity time and time again for the mystery of your life to delight and inspire you. 

When you find yourself in a painful place in life, you DO have the power to make things better.

1. Reach out for help even if you are afraid. Many a client has confessed to me how scared she was and how hard it was to email me for setting up their free Clarity Session with me. Their fear and lack of confidence in themselves fought with their deeper desire to enjoy more happiness in their life and relationships. Having the courage to change your life for the better does not mean you don’t have fear. Having the courage to reach out for help means your fears don’t win and you do.

2. Tend better to your emotions for becoming better, not bitter, in life. Let me give you an example. You’ve noticed your hubby seems unhappy and you are both irritated he’s unhappy and afraid to ask him why he’s so unhappy. What does he have to be unhappy about? No one seems to care if you’re happy or not! 

Notice the bitterness creeping in? Your emotions are competing for your attention with caring about your hubby. Learning to tend to your emotions as a way you love yourself as well as others, prevents becoming resentful of those you love. Being a martyr is highly over-rated and bitterness is so yesterday!

3. Understand the difference between the false power of control and the true power of your responses. It is easy to become bitter when life bites you when you believe you are powerless to make things better. Learning you have within you all you need for victory with life’s challenges, makes both your life and the people in it, much more fun! 

I trust life and I can teach you to trust yourself in life as well. Life wants you to be healthy and happy, and through engaging your holy, you can be. (Did you know that the words heal, holy, and whole all are from the same root word “whole”?) The grace in your life simply needs your grit to engage for creating a life you are in gratitude for. 

"Have you forgotten the most important Valentine?"

"Have you forgotten the most important Valentine of all?"

We are heading into Valentine’s Day and I remember with fondness, decorating many a shoebox with glitter and paper lace doilies for my classmates to put their Valentines into. Making the choice of whether to give Scooby Doo Valentines or Mickey and Minnie Mouse Valentines was a ritual I eagerly looked forward to every February. And I smile when I pull out the old Valentines I made for my parents during art. Oh, the days of love being simple and fun!

Celebrating love became a bit more complicated as I grew older. Parents lost their luster and pledges of true love turned into betrayal. I watch sadly as people once happy in love, angrily rewrite their history as never having been so. Was love just a fool’s game or is there more to why love seems to have gone from fun as a child to risky as an adult?

Love suffers from a myth which can lead people in relationships to being hurt and becoming bitter about their beloved. The myth? That if a person loves you, it's their job to make you happy.  So… if you are unhappy, the person you love is at fault. Recognize this myth? This myth has done so much damage in relationships that when I spot this myth operating in a client’s life, I call it out for what it is--a lie which hurts all involved.

The truth is that the job of being happy begins with you. Who knows better than you what makes you feel good, what tickles your funny bone, what makes you feel all is right with your world? Only when you learn to love yourself, to support and honor yourself, are you truly able to have a happy and loving relationship with another. Without loving yourself first, you are limited in the love you can receive as well as give another person.

So this Valentine’s Day, don’t forget your most important Valentine of all-YOU! Take some time for loving yourself just as you are. Like old movies? Then watch one this weekend instead of making excuses about why you can’t. Think a clean house is over-rated? Give yourself a day-hell a weekend!-of not telling yourself to tidy up and really enjoy a bit of mess. And shower some true loving on yourself, for loving others always begins with you.

"Why Being a Good Girl Won't Make You Happy"

"Why Being a Good Girl Won't Make You Happy"

I am truly blessed to work with women who courageously take up change for being happier in their life and relationships. They are tired of compensating for their unhappiness with food, or shopping, or by (always) complaining to their friends and family. These women have spent years being the good girls they were taught to be as children. But being a good girl hasn't brought them happiness and tired of being unhappy, they reach out for help for being happy again.  

Being a good girl can serve to make important adults happy when you’re a child. But being a good girl as an adult not only keeps your happiness at bay, it keeps the happiness of those you love at bay as well. The saying “If Mama ain’t happy, nobody be happy” is not a judgment about unhappy women, but a truth about the impact a happy (or unhappy) woman has in her relationships and life.

How happy/unhappy you truly are is felt by all you care for in life. Putting on a smile and pretending to be happy does not fool anyone but yourself. When I invite a woman to be silent less and share herself more with those important to her, fear of being rejected is often the reason she has not done so. Yet the price of not being authentic in her relationships has eroded her self-respect and trust of herself and others. The woman begins to realize how pledging allegiance to relationships or institutions which don't honor her, are relationships and institutions she can ill afford for being happy in her life. 

Here are a few questions to ask yourself:

• If you no longer believed you needed to be a good girl for being happy in life, what would you change in your life or relationships?
• What would you stand up to-that you now only complain about or feel helpless to make better-if you had support?
• Would you be more willing to make different choices if more happiness and self-respect would be your result?
• If you could be happier if you reached out for help, what stops you?

The questions above are not meant for you to answer by yourself. Only recently have we embraced a belief of strength as being solitary. I don’t know about you, but I’m pretty clear how that’s (not) working for us. Talk about these questions with those you trust and I'd love to hear from you!

"Don't Let the Holidays Get Hijacked by Your Past"

This time of year can be tough. Lots of being pitched to for spending money as love, to feel only "happy happy happy!", and a body that simply wants more sleep due to less sunlight. Add spending time with family you chose to move away from, lots of alcohol and sugar, and your holidays become less about peace and goodwill and a lot more like a marathon. Especially when the people you moved away from can still make you crazy!!

Family is the best and family is the hardest

Getting together with the people you grew up with can be like time-traveling to the past. You are no longer a child and the people you work with or are friends with consider you an adult. Yet getting together with the family you grew up with can give you a case of bad deja'vu and provoke some not so fun emotions in you. Heh! Wasn't what you didn't like about your family supposed to go away when you left home?

Behave like a grownup even if others are not

Leaving home is not the same as making peace with those you grew up with. While distance and a place of your own may allow the occasional visit with family to be pleasant enough, the double whammy of alcohol and your longing for a Norman Rockwell holiday can make holidays with family tricky. All it takes is a parent behaving as you hate them behaving and before you can say "world peace", you're screaming at them for being a jerk. 'Kinda like a child having a doozy of a temper tantrum (gulp).

Tend to what's unresolved with your family....just not while eating Thanksgiving dinner

Many adults haven't resolved their childhood, limiting their ability to be a grownup with their family. You can choose to avoid your parents or spend way too much energy being angry with a sibling. You wish your parents would change how they treat you, but have you changed how you are with them? The difference between being an adult and being a grownup is one word describes your body and the other word describes your level of personal responsibility and maturity. Guess which one is which?

Commit to being a grownup with your childhood

Will this make your parents see the light and treat you as you want them to treat you? Or prevent a sibling from railing about God intending marriage as only between men and women? I wouldn't hold my breath, but here's a little secret about making peace with your past. When you release your past (including the people in it) from having the power to hold your happiness hostage, you release yourself from being bound to your past as well.

Lift your spirits and create a bit of peace of mind and heart

Peace of mind and heart comes from choosing to extend love to your family, even when they give you SO many reasons not to. Choosing to love when reason tells you not to, creates the peace we all seek, where reason does not. The person you hurt the most when you withhold love from others is yourself. Peace doesn't come from not disagreeing with others. Peace stands a chance when grownups make agreements for keeping the peace. Realize the vast power within you called love, and then be the grownup making things better with your family and in your world.

"Are Ghosts Haunting Your Relationships?"

In my last article “The Calculus of Relationship”  I talked about how simply pointing fingers at who is wrong in a relationship not going so well, does not make things better. In this follow-up article, I talk about how what may be wreaking havoc in a relationship may not even be present. Yup, could be a ghost haunting your relationship!.

So what do I mean by ghosts haunting a relationship? Simply this-a lot of the battles you find yourself in with people close to you-- your partner, your children, your parents or even yourself--can have little to do with the current situation and a lot to do with your past. Past humiliations, past rejections, past traumas all lend themselves to becoming ghosts haunting your life when they have not been resolved. I call them ghosts, for while the event was in the past, it's wielding a LOT of power in your present life.

For example, your parents believe/d control was next to God and a good child was a controlled child. Emotions? To be controlled with your parents deciding which ones you were permitted and which ones were punished. Fast forward to the conversation you are now having with your husband who keeps asking if something is wrong. You answer “nothing”....so why do you feel like crying-or throwing the glass you are using at his head!? Ahh…the ghost of emotions not permitted or punished is haunting your relationship with your hubby.

Or you hear yourself berating your daughter for an A- (vs an A) on her report card and become aghast as you realize you’ve become possessed by the ghost of your father who found “imperfections” unacceptable. Yikes! Or you make the opposite choice of allowing your teen to diss you, patting yourself on the back for not being a controlling parent. Notice the ghost cackling in the corner?

So what can you do when ghosts are haunting your relationships?

• Call the Ghost Busters! No really, get some help. Ghosts can be hard for you to see as they feel and look familiar. What is familiar we are often reluctant to change for something unfamiliar, even if we are unhappy with the familiar.
• Realize your ghosts can be friendly ghosts (remember Caspar?) trying to make life better for you. They are causing mischief to get your attention and where they are causing mischief is where they want you to pay attention.
• There are common ghosts. The ghost of anger haunts most women; anger at their power and purpose as women having been dismissed and denigrated for generations. This ghost appears in women’s relationships with men as belittling men or women withholding from men, their power to inspire and uplift.
• Ghosts can be tricky. It is not uncommon for someone I am working with to describe the detested behavior of a parent and surprise! find that same behavior alive and well in themself! Argh. Ghosts remind us there is a difference between not liking a behavior and not having it haunt our behavior as well.

People are busy and time is precious. We are taught to ignore what is bothering us and to simply exercise more control or reach for our drug of choice. But “shoulda, woulda, coulda” are no match for the ghosts haunting our relationships or our life. As the Ghost Busters knew, people who know about ghosts are who you need to call when your relationships are being haunted by ghosts from your past.

Want some help exorcising ghosts in a relationship or life? I offer a free 60 minute consultation by phone for you to explore with me how to stop ghosts from the past from messing with your present and future. To schedule your free 60 minute session CLICK HERE .